Important Things

I gave one of your employees, a bartender, a tip of a dollar and I would like it back.

Let me explain why, please. I was very busy at work today, so I ordered food via your web site and dashed out of my office to pick it up. I ordered a sandwich and some soup. The sandwich came with French fries. I paid with a credit card on the web site, so I could just run in-and-out. So busy.

As there was no host/hostess at the door, I asked the bartender if I could pick up food. She went into the kitchen, and then returned with a check for me to sign; she handed it to me, and walked away. I signed it, and added a $1.00 tip, because there was a line there to add a tip…so I added one.

I was handed my food by a food-runner, who gave it to me and walked away. So I left; but then I looked in the bag, and saw there was no spoon.

Spoons are helpful when eating soup. I dare say they are a necessity. When you don’t give me a spoon with soup, it’s like not giving me the soup at all. I can’t eat it. You would have not made any less of a failed meal if you had just given me an empty Styrofoam bowl with a note inside that said “Gotcha!” and a smiley face.

I walked back and asked the bartender for a spoon; she sighed. She didn’t say anything, she was just soooooo exhausted by my question, she had to sigh. She asked around, and then produced one from the back somewhere. I turned to leave again, but looked in the bag out of curiosity…no ketchup either. Ketchup isn’t as big of a deal; but since no one asked me if I needed anything, I took it upon myself to ask the food-runner as he passed if there were ketchup packets. He went on the hunt.

It seems no one has ever asked for ketchup before at Chili’s. No one knew where it was. They looked everywhere! They shouted out of the kitchen door! Alas, there weren’t any to be found…ketchup, WHERE IS THE KETCHUP? Is it here? Is it under this? What do we do? I find this odd, as you are a restaurant that specializes in the sale of hamburgers, a common vehicle for ketchup.

The entire point of ordering something “to-go” is to eat food somewhere at a time I do not have the resources to cook for myself. Some people order take-out food because they simply don’t feel like cooking. However, when you have a Chili’s in the middle of an office park, and I come in during the lunch hour and I am wearing a tie, chances are I’m not sitting at home on my couch watching reruns of “The Real Housewives,” within walking distance of a supply of spoons in my kitchen. I’m at work, at my desk, trying to quickly eat something because I’m rushing through my day today and I don’t have any extra time for dealing with nonsense created by your bored, disgruntled food-runner.

My question seemed to frustrate your staff, which they made evident with their dirty looks obviously directed at me, while making huffing noises. Whatever, I didn’t have time. I gave up and left. But this is not just about a spoon and ketchup packets. I’m tired of trying to engage in a simple transaction like buying a sandwich, and encountering a complicated process because employees don’t feel like they are paid enough to care about their day-to-day existence. I know writing this letter will change nothing. At most, one of you in your offices at Chili’s, Inc. will call a manager at this restaurant, that manager will give a stern lecture to the staff about “Blah blah blah customer service blah,” and then the staff will say nasty things to each other in the kitchen about the manager’s bad attitude. Nothing will change. No one will take any initiative to simply put a box of plastic forks/knives/spoons by the door and say “Attention employees: these are often important when eating food!” No one is accountable, no one cares. And tomorrow, someone will order soup from you, and they will receive soup without a spoon.

So I would like that dollar back. That bartender didn’t do anything other than print out a receipt that had a space that said “Tip: ____.____”, to which I wrote something for no reason other than feeling like I was obligated to do so. Tips are for services provided, and they gave me bad service, so they don’t deserve them, right? I don’t think so.

Please contact me if you would like my address for delivery of that dollar.

Feb 07

HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS

How to become a millionaire, the Karen Handel way:

1) Help orchestrate a politically-motivated public relations disaster for the Susan G. Komen charitable organization, which raises money for scientific research into the causes of breast cancer. Use Susan G. Komen’s notoriety in breast cancer research to draw attention to your own political/moral beliefs about abortion.

2) When lots of the people who supported the Susan G. Komen—in this case, women who are interested in the health issues of women—get mad that “breast cancer” is now synonomous with “political activism,” wait for the organization issues an apology. The apology won’t change anything, it will just reiterate the previous problem but with different, friendlier words to win back some donors.

3) Resign from Susan G. Komen. Your work is done.

4) Make an appearance on “The View.” Hug Elisabeth Hasselbeck because she is the person who shares your beliefs. You should feel so proud that Elisabeth Hasselbeck thinks just like you! She is so smart.

5) Get an agent.

6) Appear of Fox News; doesn’t matter which show, they all blend together. Insist you were right. Blame everyone else. Complain a lot.

7) Congratulations, you looked awesome on Fox News. Book appearance at a Pro-Life/anti-abortion fundraiser for Focus On The Family. You’ll share top billing with Tim Tebow.

8) Ignore interview requests from “liberal” news, like daily newspapers and stuff where “journalists” work. No time, too busy.

8) Field calls from various Pro-Life organizations, which want to hire you now. Pretend to consider them. They want to pay you a “salary” again and expect you to go to work every day. How cute.

9) Fill schedule with speaking engagements at churches, Republican events, etc., making several thousand dollars for one hour. Remember to add that rider to your contract that stipulates you want Diet Coke, not Diet Pepsi, damn it!

10) Attend that Focus On The Family event. Meet Tim Tebow. Pretend to be interested in the Denver Broncos, but really he’s just so handsome.

11) Oh yeah, and you were writing a book this whole time. Finish your book, with help from a ghost writer.

12) “Forget” to donate any of your money to programs that provide health services to low-income women, breast cancer research, or anyone/anything else Susan G. Komen supported while you worked there…and before you helped wreak havoc upon them.

Feb 04

BREAST CANCER POLITICS

CNN posted an article saying “Komen restores Parenthood funding,” after the organization announced they wouldn’t support Planned Parenthood anymore. Here’s Komen’s quote:

What this means: “We won’t cut the grants we already gave, because that would be totally illegal. But when they apply next year, we won’t give them any money.”

So nothing has changed. Good use of wording, though. It fooled a writer at CNN…

The bigger issue is their decision to not support stem-cell research. Komen is not primarily an “aid” organization; their main purpose is to fund research into finding a cure for breast cancer. That’s why people do all those “Walk For The Cure” events—they provide money for research. But the main, and really the only credible, source of research into cancer cures is stem cell research. So Komen is now raising money for research techniques that won’t help anything, and because of her religious beliefs, less progress will be made into finding that cure. If the new director believes stem cell research is against her morals, then maybe the field of cancer research isn’t the best career move for her.

This is why I don’t give to these big national organizations; the money disappears to pay the salaries of these decision-makers, and the mission of the organization itself is lost. Human Rights Campaign is another example—they issue press releases announcing all the advancements that are made for gay rights, but if you read the announcements, they are just explanations of something accomplished by another organization. But the news came from their email, so people presume HRC did it, and they send HRC money. They succeed on the power of their own publicity.

There are lots of local organizations wherever you live that can make really good use of a few dollars. Look around and put your money there.

Jan 25

DOWNTON ABBEY DRINKING GAME

any time cuff links are discussed. (Mr. Bates calls them just “links,” and this counts.)

every time someone opens an envelope or telegram; if accomplished with a letter opener, take two drinks; if the message is bad news, take a big gulp.

every time Mr. Bates tells Anna loving him is a terrible idea. If he says so while moving out of Downton Abbey, take two drinks. You’ll need it for the heartbreak which ensues.

any time Mary drops her hands to her sides and slaps her thighs because she is just EXASPERATED.

every time a woman dabs her face with a handkerchief while crying.
Bonus: If Mary drops her hands to her sides and slaps her thighs as she is crying and holding a handkerchief, all the while dressed in red and wearing feathers, finish your drink. Her temper tantrums usually take a while, you have time.

any time you are irrepressibly consumed by the realization that Daisy is just too cute.

every time anyone says the word “valet,” which rhymes with “mallet,” thank you.

any time Miss O’Brien lurks in a doorway, near a window, or next to an open vent and eavesdrops.

any time a member of the Crawley family engages in friendly conversation with a servant and casually belittles that servant by insinuating his/her life is without meaning.

every time Thomas and Miss O’Brien stand outside by the shed and smoke cigarettes whilst planning something devious.

any time Molesley’s hopes and dreams are somehow shattered and he makes a sad face.

any time Violet insults servants, lawyers, doctors, Turks, Italians, Americans, educated women, employed women, loose women, the middle class, the upper class who don’t really deserve it, family members who have bad taste in gifts, or most deservedly that pain in the ass Isobel.

Jan 23

Jan 17

NeNe Leakes is on “Glee”—and apparently she was funny. We’ll see about that.

Jan 05

I WILL MARRY YOU

My cousin, a spitfire of a little lady in northern Illinois, asked me for a favor: she’s getting hitched and it’s going to cost a pretty nickel, but I could help them save some cash if I performed the service instead of paying for a minister/priest/whoever. In the great state of Florida, where this aforementioned cousin of mine is coming to do the deed (on the beach, it’s going to be lovely), I can do this if I am a Notary Public.

So I took the class, paid the cash, and I got my little stamp enscribed with legalese. Anything I stamp will forevermore be certified to really exist! I’m going to stamp everything I see, just to prove it is real! My first act as a notarizer will be to go to the nearest display of Donald J. Pliner shoes, notarize everything within arm’s reach, and insist they are mine because I have stamped them so.

Florida law states I am allowed to collect $30 to notarize wedding vows for anyone who chooses to employ my services. I’ll beat that: should anyone wish to get married, I’ll do it for free, in exchange for two promises. First, I get to come to the wedding reception, which in itself is worth it to be because my favorite food is wedding cake. Second, should you be a man and a woman marrying each other, you promise support marriage equality for people to marry whoever they want. I’ll help marry you, you help make the world a better place filled with love and freedom.

The cool part: I am also getting ordained via the internet as a minister, which means I’ll be able to marry anywhere else around the U.S. And it will be legal! Except in Texas, I don’t think it will work in Texas. Dang, Texas sucks sometimes.

Please keep in mind you’re not really doing this for me, per se. Ha. I don’t know if a wedding is something I want in my future. A good Midwestern lad like myself was raised with strong beliefs, and I take the institution of marriage seriously—and as such, maybe my idea of what “marriage” means isn’t a good fit for me right now. But just like I am hanging on to that Louis Vuitton shirt that I can’t find a reason to wear today, but am nevertheless exercising my option to wear it someday in the future should I change my opinion, perhaps someday I’ll take the marital plunge. I don’t know yet. And there are LOTS of people out there who want it but can’t have it, and that’s not very nice, is it?

This is the right thing to do. But we’ll keep this to ourselves. You don’t need to join a protest, or wave a “Marriage Equality” banner as you walk down the aisle. I’ll never say another word about it again, and your ceremony will be completely void of political undertones. I’ll just rest assured that, someday when you’re by yourself in that voting booth, you’ll remember our deal.