I WILL MARRY YOU
My cousin, a spitfire of a little lady in northern Illinois, asked me for a favor: she’s getting hitched and it’s going to cost a pretty nickel, but I could help them save some cash if I performed the service instead of paying for a minister/priest/whoever. In the great state of Florida, where this aforementioned cousin of mine is coming to do the deed (on the beach, it’s going to be lovely), I can do this if I am a Notary Public.
So I took the class, paid the cash, and I got my little stamp enscribed with legalese. Anything I stamp will forevermore be certified to really exist! I’m going to stamp everything I see, just to prove it is real! My first act as a notarizer will be to go to the nearest display of Donald J. Pliner shoes, notarize everything within arm’s reach, and insist they are mine because I have stamped them so.
Florida law states I am allowed to collect $30 to notarize wedding vows for anyone who chooses to employ my services. I’ll beat that: should anyone wish to get married, I’ll do it for free, in exchange for two promises. First, I get to come to the wedding reception, which in itself is worth it to be because my favorite food is wedding cake. Second, should you be a man and a woman marrying each other, you promise support marriage equality for people to marry whoever they want. I’ll help marry you, you help make the world a better place filled with love and freedom.
The cool part: I am also getting ordained via the internet as a minister, which means I’ll be able to marry anywhere else around the U.S. And it will be legal! Except in Texas, I don’t think it will work in Texas. Dang, Texas sucks sometimes.
Please keep in mind you’re not really doing this for me, per se. Ha. I don’t know if a wedding is something I want in my future. A good Midwestern lad like myself was raised with strong beliefs, and I take the institution of marriage seriously—and as such, maybe my idea of what “marriage” means isn’t a good fit for me right now. But just like I am hanging on to that Louis Vuitton shirt that I can’t find a reason to wear today, but am nevertheless exercising my option to wear it someday in the future should I change my opinion, perhaps someday I’ll take the marital plunge. I don’t know yet. And there are LOTS of people out there who want it but can’t have it, and that’s not very nice, is it?
This is the right thing to do. But we’ll keep this to ourselves. You don’t need to join a protest, or wave a “Marriage Equality” banner as you walk down the aisle. I’ll never say another word about it again, and your ceremony will be completely void of political undertones. I’ll just rest assured that, someday when you’re by yourself in that voting booth, you’ll remember our deal.
And the cake. I want, like, two slices of cake.
