HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS
How to become a millionaire, the Karen Handel way:
1) Help orchestrate a politically-motivated public relations disaster for the Susan G. Komen charitable organization, which raises money for scientific research into the causes of breast cancer. Use Susan G. Komen’s notoriety in breast cancer research to draw attention to your own political/moral beliefs about abortion.
2) When lots of the people who supported the Susan G. Komen—in this case, women who are interested in the health issues of women—get mad that “breast cancer” is now synonomous with “political activism,” wait for the organization issues an apology. The apology won’t change anything, it will just reiterate the previous problem but with different, friendlier words to win back some donors.
3) Resign from Susan G. Komen. Your work is done.
4) Make an appearance on “The View.” Hug Elisabeth Hasselbeck because she is the person who shares your beliefs. You should feel so proud that Elisabeth Hasselbeck thinks just like you! She is so smart.
5) Get an agent.
6) Appear of Fox News; doesn’t matter which show, they all blend together. Insist you were right. Blame everyone else. Complain a lot.
7) Congratulations, you looked awesome on Fox News. Book appearance at a Pro-Life/anti-abortion fundraiser for Focus On The Family. You’ll share top billing with Tim Tebow.
8) Ignore interview requests from “liberal” news, like daily newspapers and stuff where “journalists” work. No time, too busy.
8) Field calls from various Pro-Life organizations, which want to hire you now. Pretend to consider them. They want to pay you a “salary” again and expect you to go to work every day. How cute.
9) Fill schedule with speaking engagements at churches, Republican events, etc., making several thousand dollars for one hour. Remember to add that rider to your contract that stipulates you want Diet Coke, not Diet Pepsi, damn it!
10) Attend that Focus On The Family event. Meet Tim Tebow. Pretend to be interested in the Denver Broncos, but really he’s just so handsome.
11) Oh yeah, and you were writing a book this whole time. Finish your book, with help from a ghost writer.
12) “Forget” to donate any of your money to programs that provide health services to low-income women, breast cancer research, or anyone/anything else Susan G. Komen supported while you worked there…and before you helped wreak havoc upon them.
